Oh Wells, you had a good run.
The episode starts with the group arriving in Argentina. Wells gets his first one-one date! I am super excited to see more of Wells, but sadly, this date turns out to be super awkward.
The date card says “Bésame. Bésame, muchacho.” Which means: “Kiss me. KISS ME, MAN!” After reading the date card, Wells admits to everyone that he has not kissed Jojo yet. Cue all the other guys looking pretty superior and pleased with them selves. Awkward coughs and laughs all around.
So, I’m of two minds before the start of this date. My first thought is that Jojo is not attracted to Wells and that the producers wanted her to go on this date. If Wells and Jojo haven’t kissed yet, it is probably because Jojo hasn’t encouraged him — ie. she’s not attracted to him! I know, I’m stating the obvious. At least, I think I am. But kissing is a two way street! And Jojo is really good at leaning in and tilting her head up at key moments with say, Luke and Jordan. In contrast, during her one-on-one time with Wells last episode, she and Wells sat as far away from each other as two people could get and still be on the same couch. So, while the date card says “kiss me”, I think the producers have put her up to this. I don’t think she’s dying to kiss Wells.
But then I remember another notable hipster from the show’s past — Jef Holms –who won Emily Maynard’s season. Jef ended up “winning” that season (though his and Emily’s relationship crashed and burned later) and Jef and Emily also didn’t kiss for many weeks because Jef, like Wells, was preoccupied with orchestrating the perfect first kiss. So, maybe Jojo is indeed dying to kiss Wells, and she has just been giving Wells’ the time he needed to find the right moment. Doubtful.
At the start of the date, even though Jojo is constantly leaning into him, Wells holds back. He says in a voice-over that the timing is just not right. Damn man. It will never be the perfect time! This is self sabotage!
And the date only gets more awkward. Jojo and Wells go to Fuerza Bruta –– a sort of theater company that does live performance art. The couple are put to work, acting out a scene in which Wells gets shot with red paint while running on a treadmill. It’s not exactly romantic. Afterwards, Wells goes to high five Jojo, but somehow just as Wells raises his hand, Jojo lowers hers. With his hand hovering in midair, we can feel Wells’ panic. Finally he awkwardly pats her shoulder instead. Jojo says, “that was great!” enthusiastically, as Wells shudders. Oh gosh.
Next, the Jojo and Wells get on a giant slip n’ slide, wearing nothing but spandex. (More performance art, apparently). As they slide back and forth, into and onto each other on this giant tarp we hear Jojo say, “I am waiting for him to kiss me! I keep waiting!” (As are we Jojo!) Then, there is a pause — the slip ‘n slide is no longer tossing them furiously and their faces are inches apart. Finally, Jojo leans across the apparently impassable expanse of space between them and kisses Wells! Yes, in the end, Jojo kissed Wells! At least that’s how I’m calling it. Cue the romantic music. Perhaps it is the beginning of a great love story…
Alas, no. Wells starts out the second half of the date invigorated. Everything has changed for him now that they have kissed. His skepticism is gone! Unfortunately, everything has changed for Jojo too, but not in a good way. With Wells visibly perspiring, Jojo tells him she can’t give him the rose. With that we bid adieu to sweet, sweaty Wells.
Group Date
Next, Jordan, Robby, Luke, Alex, and James Taylor wander the streets of Buenos Aires with Jojo. I have to say, if we compare this date to the Pig Island date on Ben’s season, which occurred in the same week of that season and also, like this date, included a lot of the frontrunners of the season (ie. Lauren B., Jojo, and squeaky voiced Amanda), this group date in Buenos Aires is a huge success. While Pig Island left all the girls feeling sad and insecure, on this date, the guys play soccer and no one has to get stitches! And, at the end of the game, there is penalty shootout and James Taylor — the seemingly least athletic one of the group — is the only one who scores! I don’t know if this was rigged, but I cheered in delight for all the underdogs of the world when he scored.
Unfortunately, the night portion of the date does not turn out as well for James. He decides to tell Jojo about an “altercation” he has had with Jordan in which Jordan disagreed with him over the rules of a card game. James says Jordan acted bossy and “entitled” because Jordan’s a “celebrity” and expects to be treated a certain way. I wonder if the producers gave James Taylor the term “entitled” because I’m not sure any of them know what it means.
This is illustrated when Jojo confronts Jordan about James’ allegations and Jordan cries, “How does someone even act entitled?!” (Jordan… oh man.) But anyway, while James Taylor’s story initially sounded kind of lame (a disagreement over a card game is not exactly riveting), when Jojo confronts Jordan, Jordan immediately begins to sneer and to act creepily condescending. Suddenly, JT’s story seems less lame.
In the midst of all this, Jojo and Luke have an intense make-out session. When I say intense, I mean it’s legitimately soft-core porn. The look on Luke’s face as he leans in to kiss Jojo — I mean, if looks could impregnate, Jojo would be in her second trimester by now. Jojo tries to match Luke’s intensity, but she can’t match this dude’s smolder. My main thought is: this is our next Bachelor, ladies and gents.
Two on One
Finally, the two-on-one. Derek, Chase and Jojo learn an “aggressive” and “passionate” three person tango. Jojo seems really game to throw herself into these slightly awkward physical challenges, which I seriously admire. (She’s a shoe-in for Dancing with the Stars, if you ask me.) Derek tells us that there is a ton of “passion” between himself and Jojo. They kiss, and it seems they are about to ride off together into the sunset. But then we remember that Jojo has a type. It is the blonde–Jordan-Robby-Luke –AND-Chase type. (It is not the quiet, brunette-Derek type.) So Jojo is not about to let Chase go so easily.
But first, Chase has some work to do. Apparently, Chase has not been affirming Jojo enough. “Don’t you remember, I told you I need words of affirmation!” she says to him when they are alone together. “But I thought I did,” he whimpers. He is like a chastened child who forgot to do his homework.
Ok, so for the uninitiated: The Five Love Languages, is a self-help relationships book (which I looked up entirely because of Jojo’s references to it, I swear!) that says there are fives ways in which we all feel and show love. Jojo has not only read this book, but it appears she has taught her favorite guys its key points. Jojo needs words of affirmation (one of the five love languages) to feel loved, and Chase just hasn’t been giving them. So, after much consternation, Chase says, ok, ok, I really like you. Jojo is assuaged. She gives Chase the rose.
Phew! Finally the cocktail party and rose ceremony! Jojo wears a killer blue dress. Killer because it looks amazing, but also because it is so tight it is a wonder she can breathe. Another key fashion choice: Jordan’s super tight pants. I mean, it’s one thing to wear skinny jeans, but in a suit?! It’s a strange look.
At the rose ceremony, Jojo quickly gives out roses to Jordan and Robby. That leaves only Alex and James Taylor without roses. Before giving out the last rose, Jojo turns and runs out of the room. I must admit, Jojo running down the steps of the castle-like-building they are in reminds me of Cinderella running away from the castle before the clock strikes twelve. (Ok, I’m a cheese-ball.)
At the bottom of the steps, Jojo tells Chris Harrison she can’t give out this last rose, convincing all of us (or maybe just me) that she is about to send home both Alex and James Taylor. Back inside the castle, Alex says, “I hope she comes back in here and does what she came here to do.” Dude, stop making this show into some kind of moral imperative. You’re on a tv show.
Finally, Jojo walks back inside without a rose. But just before both Alex and JT’s hearts are crushed, a silver plate with two roses appears! Roses for everyone! JT and Alex are saved! (At least until they are eliminated next week.) JT is happy; Alex, not so much. “We got pity roses!” he whines. “I don’t want a pity rose, I want to be wanted.”
So do we all Alex. So do we all. Until Next Week!
–Carolyn Shea
